Starting a relationship

Attraction and desire are God-given – they are part of God’s plan for human love. Today’s culture leads us to desire too little, when in fact, we should be desiring much more. For instance, glossy magazine photographs arouse our curiosity when, all along, we have the capacity to enter into a life-giving relationship with a spouse. The fact is we are made to desire much more still – the nuptial union between God and His Church!

How do we get from where our culture is at to the whole truth about ourselves? What about starting a Theology of the Body group? Meet weekly and discuss how to apply it to your relationships.

But, how do you actually go about dating another person? You probably have a basic idea about how to be chaste and not to have sex straight away with each other. This is a good place to start dating, but you need to go further than this. Chastity is the means whereby you can give yourselves to one another. Our culture says: “I want to use you; you’re the one for me!” Chastity says: “I don’t want to use you, I want to be a giver!”

So, don’t follow today’s culture – it is an appalling guide. We need a real guide – Theology of the Body can lend a hand - I need my conscience to be alive in Christ and in the truth.

How do I give myself to another person? First, I need to know the whole truth about the other person. This takes time to discover.

We also need to be able to enjoy the whole wonder of each other and being together, and be able to celebrate the desire that God has given us to be together. And we need to watch that we don’t grow into emotional intensity too early. We also need to have a way to make good choices about whom we will date, about recognising the right person to date ….

Women, look for a man who is a son, a brother and a father. Look for a man who is already a spiritual father – he’s a protector, a defender, a leader, he is a brother to both man and women. Look at the way he treats other men. Look at who his friends are, at who he is close to – he can’t fake this. How does he treat other women. Is he is good spiritual son; does he serve, does he obey, does he say “how can I help?” Does he show up early and contribute. Does he do humble things behind the scenes?

Men, look for a woman who is a daughter, sister and mother. Look for a woman who is a spiritual mother now, someone who is a spiritual daughter now, a woman who is a good sister to both men and women. If all her friends are men – what does this mean? Don’t look for a list of features in a potential spouse – this is what you do when you go to buy a car or a house.

Where do we find such people? Good question. Christian families and the relationships which comprise them yield good fruit and this is the source of the man or woman of your dreams.

However, we need to transform our parish communities and their ministries so that single people are drawn into the life of the Church. The right kind of parish life has yet to be created because this context does not exist at present. Our parishes are not working if they are not bringing us together to be mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers to one another. Every parish ministry is there in order to draw us into holiness

Open your house up to other young people! Ask God what you should do; perhaps a prayer group or a study group. Create a community – a family of single people. For instance, you could start a Theology of the Body study group. Will this mean commitment? Yes. But how are you going to be a mother or a father if you can’t commit a couple of hours each week? Bring people together for a meal, the rosary, study and discussion. Practice being a spiritual mother or father now. We all have to learn to sacrifice. Oh, and chastity has to be lived out from the outset!

How do I know if a particular person is the one I should marry? Because this relationship will be good for all the people I know, and it will be drawing me closer to God and to the Church.